


hello, my name is

by unprofessionalbard



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Character Study, also lots of Trans Projecting™, also shoutout to tazscripts for saving my life yet again, rated t because taako's narrative voice requires me 2 swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unprofessionalbard/pseuds/unprofessionalbard
Summary: Taako grows his hair out. Partly because he likes it long, partly because it’s important to Lup that they look different enough to not be mixed up. He doesn’t give a shit— but then again, Taako’s never given a shit about anything except Lup.( Does Taako's name even mean anything without Lup's beside it? )





	hello, my name is

**Author's Note:**

> written for twinsweek day two: sibling bonding (a sort of loose interpretation of the prompt but i digress)

Elvish children’s names are gender neutral, not that it ever made them fit any better. That was something they could always agree on. Taako despised the ties to family— family who had named them and then left them, struggling and moving, untethered despite their given names. Lup dested the lack of choice, insisted that it made no sense that someone else got jurisdiction over what she was called and what she called herself when they knew fuck all about her from the beginning.

“Couldn’t even get the gender right,” she’d said once, and then split her sides laughing when Taako snorted into his soup and got it up his nose.

So they didn’t keep them. Taako switched names like hats, using a new one whenever they introduced themselves to someone new. Didn’t matter what it was; he didn’t really give a shit what people called him, as long as it wasn’t his given name, and that one was dead as hell now. Names, nicknames, pet names, insults— Taako collected them like a dragon collects gold, and doled them out as fast as he took them in. 

Lup was slower, picked hers like they meant something, really got a feel for them before discarding them. They were more than just aliases to her, like they were to Taako. She dug her hands into them, made them into something valuable.

People still mixed them up. Taako would respond to almost anything and they were still young enough to look the same, carbon copies of one another with matching smirks. They gave names out and no one bothered to learn which one goes with which twin because they look the same and do the same things and one of them will respond and they’ll be gone soon enough so what’s the point? 

They are only thirty seven when Lup starts cutting her hair. After that she does it constantly; shaves the sides, makes the ends uneven, always only just long enough to throw it up in a ponytail. 

“I am so tired,” she says, hairtie between her teeth while she pulls her hair up, “of getting called your name.”

“Only my name for the day,” he says, and she gives a half grin, but her heart’s not in it, and her face sets into a determined scowl as she grabs her hairtie.

“I have my own damn name,” she says, “And even if it changes every week, people are gonna use it.” She pulls a couple strands of hair down from her ponytail to frame her face and Taako can see the fire in her eyes.

Taako grows his hair out. Partly because he likes it long, partly because it’s important to Lup that they look different enough to not be mixed up. He doesn’t give a shit— but then again, Taako’s never given a shit about anything except Lup.

He leaves his hair down, for the most part, insisting that it looks better, although he’s perfected the art of braiding it all as fast as possible before they cook.

When they’re ninety two, she says, “We could just pick our names.”

“We do.”

“No, doofus. Our adult names.” 

“What, you just have one ready to go that you’re gonna keep forever?” The scorn in his voice is evident; he still has eight years to go before he needs to declare himself an adult and probably won’t even think about his name until his hundredth birthday. 

“Yeah.”

“Oh shit, really?” There’s no scorn now, and she laughs in a way that is both with him and at him. “We don’t even need to until we’re one hundred.” 

“Yeah but I want to. And who’s going to stop me?” She gestures around, pointing out that it’s only the two of them by this campfire. Her voice lilts, like it’s a joke and a challenge— not for him, who wouldn’t dream of stopping her (from most things, honestly), but for the world. 

“Okay, so. Let’s hear it.” He crosses his legs and props an elbow up on his knee, leaning forward to rest his chin on his hand. “Money where your mouth is.”

“Lup,” she says. Her face is carefully neutral— she knows he’s going to be fine with it, will like it, but her breath holds itself anyway.

“Lup,” he repeats, letting it settle, and offers a genuine smile. Rare for pretty much everyone else, but she’s seen a lot of it. “Suits you.”

“It better. I picked it.” It makes him laugh, and her face splits into a honest grin, although seconds later it changes to a teasing one. “Better get a move on. I’m older and have my name first.”

He throws a pinecone at her and sticks out his tongue. 

( He is a lot of people for awhile, but she is always Lup. Lup and her brother, nameless, shifting, running. Lup and a walking eraser mark. He doesn’t mind. Makes things easier. )

They’re ninety five. Mostly because if Lup wasn’t waiting until one hundred then fuck if he was. They’re ninety five and making a stew and he says, “I think I’m gonna go with Taako.”

Her hands freeze on the wooden spoon, comically suspended halfway between her mouth and the pot. “What?”

“T - A - A - K - O. Taako. My name.” 

“Oh. Oh!” The wooden spoon drops back into the stew with a splash, and she grins. “Took you long enough.”

“Well, I’m older, so I figured I’d let you pick your name first.” 

Lup pulls the wooden spoon out of the stew, quickly taps it on the rim of the pot so it doesn’t drip, and then hits Taako’s arm with it. 

“You got it on my sleeve,” he whines, suppressing a laugh. She rolls her eyes and goes to rinse the spoon off, but Taako catches the grin as she spins around. 

So they’re Lup and Taako, now. And Taako’s not one for permanence but he likes being Taako, reliably, and more than that he likes being _Lup’s brother Taako_. The name curls around him and writes itself into his skin until he can’t imagine not being Taako, can’t imagine Lup having been anyone but Lup, can’t imagine one name not followed by the other. 

Of course it’s no wonder they both join the IPRE. Lup and Taako. Package deal; one wasn’t going to go without the other. 

They’re at dinner (an excellent one by Lup and Taako, thanks very much) with the crew when the topic of names comes up— mostly that Taako and Lup don’t have a family name. Lup shrugs and says they didn’t bother to keep it. 

“Keep it?” asks Barry.

“Yeah, well. You just pick yours when you’re an adult.” Taako shrugs. “So when we did that we didn’t feel the need to keep the family name.” He knows, surface level, that only elves really do this, but it boggles his mind how impressed and… wistful some of the Starblaster crew looks when he says that. 

“Wish we did that when we turned eighteen,” says Barry, and Taako nearly spits out his bread. 

“Eighteen? What the fuck?”

“That’s when humans are adults,” says Barry, and Taako knows that, but it still sounds pretty fucked up to him. 

Magnus is on his second plate already, and Taako has an urge to smack his hand away when he goes in for more, but Lup seems him about to do it and hums a dissent, so he relents. Leftover paranoia about there not being enough to go around. 

“I mean, you can just do it anyway,” says Magnus, “That’s what I did.”

“Oh I know,” says Barry, and then laughs, “You think my parents named me Barry Bluejeans?”

Magnus grins through a mouth full of mash potatoes. “That’s fair.”

Lup grins, and Taako pretends he’s not smiling. 

( When the first cycle starts, he really does try to care when whatever that thing is devours their world behind them. He can only care that Lup wasn’t on it when it disappeared. )

Lup cares so much. So much about things he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand how she has the energy for that. 

So of course she’s sticking her neck out for this robot civilization. Of course she’s going to defend them, of course. Taako _almost_ feels a little guilty, but it’s more because he just doesn’t understand. They don’t want their enemy to get stronger. What’s wrong with that? 

“Uh, robot friend, um, this thing’s coming, and we don’t know exactly what it does, but it’s gonna eat this whole world. Um, do you wanna sort of destroy your whole civilization, or are you… good?” 

Magnus leaps in before Taako can. “Well, there’s maybe a better way to phrase it than that, Lup.” Lup scowls at him, and opens her mouth to retort, but not before Taako gets a comment in. 

“Yeah, not a great sales job, Lulu,” says Taako, and Lup rounds on him, shoulders tense.

“Uh, don— hey, Taako?” It’s not really a question. She can see he knows he’s fucked up, and normally it wouldn’t be such a big deal but the combination of them maybe destroying an entire world and her brother deciding now is a great time to try out a nickname, to call her something that _isn’t her name_ , is taking its toll.

“Yeah?” He manages.

“Mm-mm.” She shakes her head, and gets really close to him, finger jabbed into his chest like they’re fifty years old. “Mm-mm. Mm-mm.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he says, ears tilted downward. Lup relents, and squares her shoulders again. Now is not the time. 

They’re in the next cycle before he says anything. It’s a late night, and the ship is quiet— has been for days. There’s not a lot of cheer going around. Never is when they reset. Taako finds Lup in her room, and offers her a mug of hot chocolate— a peace offering. 

She takes it. 

“You know it’s not that big a deal,” she says. The hot chocolate is still too hot to sip, so she just lets it warm her fingers. Taako sits down next to her on the bed. 

“We did almost fucking destroy that place.”

“Oh I know. That’s why I’m saying it’s not that big a deal.” She gives a tight lipped smile and raises the hot chocolate a little bit— she knows it’s not about the world. Taako wouldn’t track her down for that.

Taako sighs, and sips his own hot chocolate, screwing up his face when he burns his tongue. Lup quietly snorts a laugh. 

“Lup,” he starts, and then mutters, “fuck, my tongue hurts— Lup. I know it’s not a big deal. I…” he hesitates, and the sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his free hand. How is he supposed to express this without sounding like an idiot? 

“Here’s what’s gonna happen,” says Lup. “I’m gonna drink this hot chocolate when it gets cool. You’re gonna wait until things are a little more chill before you start trying out new nicknames, also you’re not gonna call me Lulu again.”

Taako smiles. “Deal.” He takes another sip, and then snickers. “Hey, how do you think Lucretia would feel about ‘Lulu’?”

Lup threatens to dump the hot chocolate over his head, but her eyes sparkle, and she’s not very good at keeping a straight face. 

( Lucretia doesn’t like Lulu either, it turns out. )

When they have to submit work to the light of creation, the book he gives to the mountain isn’t his. Of course it’s not. Oh, he puts his name on it, sure, and most people think it’s his, and when Lup laughs at him he plays it like a fun practical joke. Got one over on the locals, hell yeah. 

Lup doesn’t press, but Taako thinks she knows that’s not true. Thinks she must be able to tell that the idea of pouring something that means anything to him, when he has so little of that to start with, into a project that could be wiped from reality, is terrifying. He just has so fucking little, just this crew, just his sister, losing it and not even knowing he lost it is too hard to bear, even in theory. 

Lup and Barry’s song has so much of them in it. It’s gorgeous, of course. In the seconds before it’s broadcast back out Taako’s chest feels tighter, like it’s his work on the line, even though he purposefully submitted something with no risk. 

But then there it is again. Taako is so proud of his sister (and fine, Barry a little bit, but mostly Lup) he could burst. The song burns itself into his mind, into everyone’s mind, there forever. 

Lup’s (and FINE, Barry’s too) forever. 

When Taako forgets, her name is the first to go. Maybe because it’s the biggest thing— after Lup is gone there is hardly anything else to erase. And it’s so rapid, and when it’s gone he doesn’t even have the capability to mourn what he’s missing. 

When Taako introduces himself, he feels like something is supposed to come after. So he says, “you know, from TV?”, but then he feels like it was supposed to come before.

( When he runs, he doesn’t have a name. Changes it. Changes his hair, his clothes, becomes a new person with every new town, shifting, running always. It’s fine. It’s fine. He needs to, and he’s never given a shit about his name. 

Taako struggles to find anything he’s ever given a shit about. )

Merle and Magnus are idiots. Which is fine. Takes one to know one. Taako doesn’t know why he sticks with this job. Doesn’t know why when he learns their names he thinks “of course”, like they were empty slots that only fit _Magnus_ and _Merle_. They don’t ask him a damn thing about his own name, which is fine by him. 

When Barry Bluejeans dies, Taako feels like mourning. Merle says his name wrong once and the Director corrects him and Taako laughs, cracking a joke about how quickly he’d forgotten. Taako can’t; _Barry Bluejeans_ slots itself into another empty space and stays lodged there, unconnected from anything else but constant. 

( Taako cannot understand why he cares so much about other people’s names when he can’t bring himself to care about his own. )

Taako is a nickname man. Magnus gets the brunt of it— Mags and Mango roll off his tongue like he’s said them a thousand times before. Merle usually just gets insults. Taako has a gut feeling the Director wouldn’t be down for a nickname, seeing as she hates it so much when Magnus calls her ‘Lucretia’. 

Angus, though. Angus puts up with a lot of it. 

“Listen, Agnes,” Taako is saying before Angus clears his throat. 

“Actually, sir, do you have to call me that?” 

“What, Agnes?”

“Yeah.”

Taako’s about to quip something snarky at him, but something stops him. Something at this bottom of his gut knows this is not the time; it feels like his common sense and his decency (well, what little he has) are shaking their head at him. Instead, he says, “Ango still fine by you?”

“Yes sir!”

“Alright. Listen, Ango,” Taako starts, and doesn’t spend too much time investigating his motivations for that exchange. 

Things at the Bureau are like that sometimes. He does things and doesn’t question why, other people do things and he doesn’t question why. Like there’s something off-kilter about existence but he’s so accustomed to the shift it’s normal until someone points it out.

He’s humming a tune while he cooks one day, and Merle goes, “What song is that?”

Taako looks up from his work. “Huh?”

“The song. You were humming it. What is it?”

Taako shrugs. “I dunno. Just always known it.” He tries to recall the name of the artist, the name of the song, but all he gets for his trouble is a weird fuzzy feeling in his head. The tune, however, isn’t going anywhere.

Merle hums the next two bars. 

Taako stares at him. The fuzzy feeling doesn’t have a sound, but it gets louder all the same. He shakes his head as if to dislodge it, and rolls his eyes at Merle. 

“Very impressive, glad you can carry a tune. Do you need something? Or can I get back to this?” 

( He sings it under his breath around Lucretia once, and she drops the glass she’s holding. It shatters on the ground and he yelps, jumping back before looking at her with reproachful eyes. 

“Sorry,” she says, “Got distracted.” 

“Yeah, no fucking shit,” he says, but he can’t shake her eyes on the back of his head as he walks away. )

The word _Lup_ burns into the wall and it gives Taako a headache. L - U - P. Something about it is heavy, and when it lands in his head he can’t get it to leave, but he also can’t focus on it well enough to understand. 

It’s important, somehow. 

It means something. 

It feels like he’s walking with an eraser mark next to him, like someone got enough so that he doesn’t know what was there but missed enough edges and smudged enough lead that he knows _something was_ — something spelled L - U - P. 

Three days later, it’s just an itch at the back of his mind. 

When Taako remembers, her name is the first to return. It’s a blow to the gut; like his whole body was thrown onto a firecracker right before it was set off. 

_Lup. Lup, Lup, Lup— Lup and Taako. Taako and Lup._

Years and years of mourning hits him all at once, sets his insides on fire, twists his guts into knots, shatters a part of him he didn’t even know was there. 

That he didn’t _remember_ was there. 

He hadn’t been left with fucking anything. What did his name mean, without hers alongside it? And he’d seen it, carved into the wall and he hadn’t been left with the capacity to know, had thought it hollow, mysterious but not critical to anything, important but not imperative — L - U - P. 

And now— now, he doesn’t even have time to react the way he wants, doesn’t have time to sit and think, doesn’t have time to piece his broken memories back together, because the world is _fucking ending_. The world is ending and he just can’t bring himself to give a shit. 

Taako’s never given a shit about anybody but Lup. 

And she’s fucking gone. 

( When she comes back, it’s a blaze of glory, because of course it is, because it’s Lup, because it wouldn’t be Lup if she didn’t have an entrance. Taako doesn’t cry. 

His voice breaks a little when he says he didn’t remember she existed. 

He remembers now. Lup. Lup, Lup. The voidfish had sent their story across realities, burned them all— burned Lup— into the minds of everyone who ever existed. Forever. Neither of them are eraser marks ever, ever again. )

When the dust settles, they remember. They are remembered. 

Taako and Lup. Lup and Taako.

No one knows them by anything else. And for all Taako’s insistence that he doesn’t care about his name, it matters. Even if it only matters because Lup’s name is next to his. Even if it only matters because he picked it to match, because they got to choose them. It matters that he was allowed to make the name himself, that he didn’t have anything to live up to except _Taako_ , didn’t have any ties except _Lup_.

It’s always mattered to Lup. Mattered that she got to be Lup, mattered that she was able to shed the name she was born with, set it on fire and leave it burning behind her, never glancing back. It matters that even with their lives broadcast how they are, it’s her name attached to it and not the poorly fitted one she was expected to wear. 

If nothing else, that matters to Taako too. 

One of the tables in the Starblaster has their names carved into it. Davenport hadn’t been happy when he’d found it, although Magnus had thought it was riot. Three days later, he’d carved his name into it too. Lup had managed to get both Barry and Lucretia on board which honestly was miracle work. Taako had handed Merle a knife and told him to carve his name in too, and told him to shut the fuck up when he asked why, and for some reason, Merle did. 

It was Lucretia, bless her, who got Davenport to (cycles later) finally, finally carve his name into it too. 

Taako has it now. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to buy a new table when he could just call dibs on this one but he’s not fooling anyone (especially with the work it took to get the damn thing inside). Lup catches him tracing the letters with his fingers and allows the moment to pass without teasing. Taako treats memories and the mementos of them like gold now. 

Out of the seven, they are the only two that are a pair. _The twins. Taako and Lup._ Taako can’t think of a better way to be remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a lot of trans feelings about names and i really care about the elvish "pick your own name" thing. this fic was supposed to be for the twinsweek free space actually, but it got away from me and it's the only one i was gonna finish on time so. here it is ig! 
> 
> also i know i sort of dunked on fanon about names and appearances here which. i didn't really mean to do? rip. i just want to be clear that my trans feelings™ may be projected in here but i dont mean to imply this is like... the Only Name Feelings u can have or whatever. also that i'm a trans dude and lup is a trans woman and while i tried to be careful to stick to stuff sort of common between those experiences + make sure i didn't imply taako and lup had shit childhoods bc they're gay and trans, lemme know if i slipped up or anything!
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> anyway you can find me on tumblr at @crewmanjeeter


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